letters to my unborn kid.

Hey hi!

I know I don’t write in here too much, sometimes it’s too hard to think about you. You’ll understand what I mean when you’re older, maybe. Your mama says she had a tooth infection a while ago and had to take some penicillin to make her feel better. She’s taken it before and she’s never had any problems. But, she said she had a bad allergic reaction this time and she thinks it’s you! She thinks you’re allergic to the medicine! Which is sort of funny because I’m allergic to penicillin also! And so is Grandma Lesa and Auntie Toria! You aren’t even born yet and you’re already taking after papa!

I’m visiting your mother in California right now. We’re going to find out if you’re a little boy or girl tomorrow! We are so excited! We’re going to make a list of names for whichever sex you are afterwards and when you’re born we’ll look at you and decide what your name will be! It’s been great getting to see her belly get bigger. I’m leaving in a few days, and I don’t think I’ll be able to come back until your mama goes into labor. Don’t worry I’ll be here for your arrival, though!

Your ma is going to keep me updated with everything. I know I’m far away, but only for a little while. Even with all the questions you don’t understand, I love you very much, little one.

Love,

Dad

Hey kid,

Today was the busiest day of the year for me at work. You and your mother were on my mind a lot today. She sent me a picture of how you’re coming along last night, and I made it the background on my phone. So, every time I checked my phone to see the time, I saw you. She wasn’t really showing until she left, so I haven’t gotten to really experience how you’re growing. At least not first hand. It bugs me that she’s starting to show as soon as she left, but it’s okay cause I’m gonna be there to find out if you’re a boy or girl! That’s not until January, but it gives me something to look forward to.

I miss her a lot. I think I’m feeling it more today than I have since she left. I’m not sure why. I miss having someone there who knows exactly what I’m thinking. To look over at her and know exactly what she’s thinking. Someone who can bear to listen to all my lame jokes and still muster a believable pity laugh. And still, somehow, not think I’m a total loser. I miss making her turkey sandwiches. Lettuce, tomato (if we have any), pickles, mayo, mustard and just a dab of ketchup (don’t worry I won’t EVER make yours with ketchup). Cut diagonally into triangles and separated so I can put chips in between. I miss her looking at me like a sandwich could make it all better. I miss believing it could. 

She may be far away from me, but I still feel her everyday. I know when ever she’s sick. I get these sudden sympathy pains that hit me like a train. Doesn’t matter what I’m doing. I don’t like feeling like I’m going to throw up all over everything. But when I stop and think about it. It’s my chemistry. You’re the catalyst to the physical reaction of our connection. I love you at a cellular level. When I think about that, the million mile gap doesn’t seem so far. I’m still right there. You both are part of my every day.

I’m only far away if you’re counting the miles. 

Love,

Dad

Hey little dude,

I don’t know if you’re a boy a girl yet. But I call everyone dude, so get used to it. Today’s the twenty-fourth of november, and I’m at my dad’s- er, your Pa-Paw’s house. I’m going home tomorrow morning, unfortunately not to where you are. Yet. I’ve still got a little bit to go before I come back to California. But you’re not quite ripe yet, so I’ve got a while in the meantime. I’ve started this blog for the both of us. So I can tell you my thoughts and tell you how much I love you. And later, I guess, you can tell me how I did. 

I’m sitting on your uncle Damian’s bed. The bottom bunk. You don’t know him yet. Well, to be fair, you don’t even know me yet. He’s just a little bit older than you, but I think that’s okay. He’s a funny kid, and I think you’re going to like him a whole lot. Your auntie Nora is only 11 months older than you. She’s only 3 months old right now. Hopefully you two will be close. Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving and and I’m spending it with your other aunt Kelly and grandma Lesa in Austin. I don’t know any of the other people that are going to be there. But, I’m going to tell them how thankful I am about you. 

When I get back, I’ll be alone. Your mother and I got the apartment together. But, we’ve realized that we are best friends and that’s it. Your mother and I have had the most amazing friendship that I’ve never been able to put in to words. Until you came around. You are the perfect expression of what’s leftover of me and your mother. Our little one. We are still great friends, and plan to keep it that way. For now though, I am alone. But, I’m doing everything I can to get back to California and support your mother and you. You’re the only thing I see anymore. The only thing in my life worth anything. And I don’t even know your name. 

Anyways, kiddo, this blog is dedicated to you. 

I love you very much,

Dad